


The Thirty-One Venoms: An LWA Horror Parody Drabble Collection

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Every 7 days it's a scary one, Gen, Parody, Playing with parody fire now, Rating May Change, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-07-21 03:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Behold, thirty-one more LWA parodies of horror movies, games, books, et cetera, but with a much more easy-to-remember name!I am a crazy person.1: Paranormal Activity /2: Cry of Fear /3: Luigi's Mansion /4: Slender Man (2018) /5: Prey (2006) /6: Prey (2017) /7: Hellraiser8: Alice in Murderland /9: Poltergeist /10: Scream /11: The Stuff /12: Goosebumps /13: Annihilation /14: The Blair Witch Project15: Terminator /16: The VVitch /17: Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night





	1. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

"Raise your hand if you think this is a good idea," Akko said as she finished hooking up the camera trained on her bed.  
Neither Sucy nor Lotte raised.  
"Too bad," Akko said, aggressively going to bed.

* * *

In the morning, Akko checked the footage.  
"Come on... just me sleeping?! What a rip." She threw the camera out the window and hit Avery in the brainpan.  
"Wait," Sucy said. "You were hoping for a haunting?"  
"Yeah, man! It's been way too dull around here and monsters haunt the crap outta people who film themselves."  
Meanwhile, Avery unknowingly attracted her thirtieth monster.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

"Sup, YouTube! This is Avery, your favorite Canadian witch, eh? And today we're in the freakin' woods!" She took a moment to adjust her Toy Story alien cap. "Hey, a dead chick!"  
She waved her camera at Hannah, who was pretending to be a corpse. "Damn, man! Ah, well, circle of life 'n such."  
"Can I move yet?" Hannah said. "There are beetles crawling on my eyes."  
"Hilarious! Gotta take that shot again, but keep still and look at those beetles really hard!"  
Nearby, the ghost of fallen witch Phenazepam Pam wondered if haunting Avery would really further her career.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

It was the dawn of the YouTube age and Avery was tempting fate.  
"Sup, YouTube! This is Avery, some Canadian witch who's gonna be your favorite, eh? It's 2010 and I'm gonna dare a ghost to try and kill me!" Avery, only ten, turned to the haunted house and flipped it off. "HEY, GRANDMA! I DARE YOU TO TRY AND KICK MY ASS!"  
Avery turned back to the camera as her grandma's ghost floated out, slapping a hickory switch against her palm. "What did I tell ya, nothin'. Ghosts are pussies. Avery out."  
Let it be known that ghosts are patient.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4

A slightly dusty Kinect sprang to life and projected laser beams onto a shadowy figure moving in the darkness of the student union.  
"Oh crap the Kinect is haunted!" Akko said, throwing a table at the ghost and knocking it the hell out. "Come on, guys, let's beat this ghost up before he slimes us!"  
"Urgh! Jesus, people!" the ghost said, holding his spooky hands up. "Look, dudes, I just need some help."  
"Help, Akko!" Lotte said, holding Akko back from the fire axe.  
"Listen closely," the ghost said. "There's this chick named Avery and she's really pissing me off."

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES

Constanze started, then stopped, a vlog.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION

Avery huffed. "The hell're you doin' here, eh?"  
"A ghost told us he wants your butt kicked," Akko said. "You got so many background ghosts haunting you you can't see the background for the ghosts! It's ludicrous, yo."  
"They need a break," Lotte said, hiding behind her putter.  
"And let's be honest," Sucy said, "fifty-six dead things can't be wrong."  
"Hey, screw yo!" Avery said. "The world needs to hear my voice and see my sexy armpits, especially my armpit-loving Japanese audience! Nothing you can do can stop--"  
Soon, Akko made her eat her own camera.  
"Okay, stopping," she said.


	2. Day 2: CRY OF FEAR

"So, officer," Amanda said, "I was comin' home on the subway, dual-wielding as usual--"

"Pardon?" the officer said.

Amanda waved her right-hand knife and left-hand pistol. "It's a free country."

"You're in Sweden, m'am."

"...crap, so that wasn't a hallucination like the monsters I shot?"

"Oh, so I'm just a hallucination, huh?" said a lumpy meat monster strapped to a flimsy wooden chair. "I live here and represent body issues! You just came here to bank and eat farm-fresh Swiss cheese!"

"Tell that to my face, bitch!" Amanda said, shooting and stabbing him repeatedly.

"This looks pretty open-and-shut," the officer said.


	3. Day 3: LUIGI'S MANSION

Sucy compared the photo of the house she won to the house she won. The house she won was visibly dying.

She inched through the door. "Yo?" she said. "Any dead things in here?"

A spooky ghost wriggled from the floorboards. She splashed it with a potion. It shrieked in ungodly agony as it re-perished.

She raised another Soulmelt vial. "Any other dead motherfuckers wanna test my patience?"

A host of ghosts peeked out of hiding and shook their heads.

"Good. Clean this place up, connect some wifi, and somebody slime the hell out of me. Ain't got all day!"


	4. Day 4: SLENDER MAN (2018)

"Hey," Amanda said, "who wants to watch a scary YouTube vid?"

Everyone present did, sorta. One YouTube video later, the two witch-crewes set back for their rooms.

About a week later, Amanda met up with Akko. "So, uh, not a whole lot's been happening," she said.

"Diana disappeared, though! And I keep seeing that guy," Akko said, pointing to a bad CGI effect nearby.

"Think that video did it?" Amanda said.

Akko shrugged. "There's no real coherency to this. Brain rays, maybe?"

"Maybe. Eh, it'll be cool as long as it doesn't suddenly become terrifyin' at the 90% mark."

It didn't.


	5. Day 5: PREY (2006)

Akko flopped into an arid canyon. "Wait," she said, hopping to her feet. "I was just in a meaty spaceship! Did I die?"

"Yeah," Prof. Nelson said. She was dressed in a conspicuously... let's say "traditional..." Amerindian getup.

"I'm in Indian Heaven?" Akko said.

"Pretty much."

"Well... heck." Akko kicked a rock.

Alien attack craft poured through a portal.

"Oh snap the aliens are invading Heaven too!" Akko said.

"Hang on, I got this spirit bow, spirit eagle, and a peace pipe to double your health," Nelson said, holding out all three.

"This feels kinda weird but okay!" Akko said.


	6. Day 6: PREY (2017)

Croix called up the footage from inside the Typhon's brain. "So, I have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" Chariot said.

"The good news is that the test subject appears to be developing something that isn't a ravenous desire to kill all humans."

"Well, how bad can the bad news be?"

The Typhon which thought it was Atsuko Kagari stared at a bag of tomato jerky in her pretend kitchen.

"She hasn't moved for simulated hours," Croix said.

"You can jerkify... _tomatoes_ ," Akko said.

Several real-life hours later, Croix groaned "Starting over." She edited the jerky out.


	7. Day 7: HELLRAISER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's not a parody.

Chariot taught me how to love and why to hate.

She was divine; I was her manager, and a heroin fiend. I could never have her so long as I was beneath her.

It was surprisingly easy to find an artifact of my own: a puzzle box. I solved it last night.

It brought Them to me. They were wise and had much to teach.

Pleasure is pain, you know, and pain, pleasure. At length, I learned Their holy arts.

Tonight, I pass that wisdom to Chariot.

Chariot... you're so beautiful.

What's below your skin must be more beautiful yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully it wasn't unintentionally hilarious.
> 
> Note to self: between Taken Diana, Vampire Wangari, and now Cenobite Fangirl Croix, I appear to have an undiagnosed "horrifying freak"...fascination.


	8. Day 8: ALICE IN MURDERLAND

"GUYS!" Akko said, jumping through a plate-glass window into the lunchroom, "Let's make a horror movie!" She handed out sexy Alice-in-Wonderland costumes.

"Hell yes!" Amanda said, and got dressed immediately.

* * *

"So, _you_ was phone?" Akko said, one eye on Sexy Alice Lotte, one eye on the camera.

"Yeah," Lotte said, and laughed evily for five minutes. The end.

* * *

The cast and crew watched the final product.

"Wow," Akko said, "we're kind of terrible."

"I thought I was okay as the Stabberwok," Chumley said.

"You were! I mean, you did actually kill Hannah and Barbara, but you were just being method."


	9. Day 9: POLTERGEIST

Nelson turned around. The coffee tables were now locked behind a tangle of all the chairs. "Hey," she said, "did that happen or am I high?"

"Of course we're haunted," Finneran said. "Can we pay for Ghostbusting?"

Badcock checked her phone. "The budget this month is a frowny face..."

"Dammit."

Nelson's face lit up. "Wait a sec..."

* * *

"Hey, genius!" Nelson said.

"What!" Akko said, hefting an armful of old bones. "I'm just cleaning up the children's library!"

"I know! Leave 'em, okay? We're doin' some real business upstairs."

Upstairs, Sara paid five pounds to ride the Zero Gravity Ghost Closet. 


	10. Day 10: SCREAM

One dark Friday night in the Verdant Vandals' room, Constanze set a pan of Jiffy Pop on an electric-griddle Stanbot. Her cell buzzed. She checked the message.

An unknown sender said: "Do you like scary movies?"

"yes" Cons said.

"What's your favorite?"

"Session Nine."

"Ooh, good one. The part with the Satanic Panic anecdote was my favorite. Beautiful cinematography."

"good choice. the night chase from the crematorium was my fav part. spooky"

Within ten minutes Constanze and Sucy (who was hiding in the dorm's walls with a ghost mask on) were making out.

"Magical," Jasminka said, watching from her bed.


	11. Day 11: THE STUFF

"The Stuff, huh?" Akko said, reading the day's title. "Never heard of that one. Lotte, to IMDB!"

"On it!" Lotte said. "Let's see..." Lotte scanned the plot summary and screenshots, closed the website, and pushed her viewing globe away. "Okay, nevermind. Let's sit this one out. We're good."

"Are we, though?" Akko said. "Lemme see!" She reopened the page and did the reading and watching. "No, you're right. Let's play checkers instead."

"Screw all of you," Sucy said, handing out middle fingers, "I'm goin' in alone."

* * *

"...it's just not the same alone," Sucy sighed. "Ah well... bottoms up."

She drancc.


	12. 12: GOOSEBUMPS

Today is a very special installment of the Thirty-One Venoms, for it is Constanze's birthday. Ah, here she comes now:  
Constanze drops off a deadly envelope.  
Inside of it is no less than a mission statement! It reads as such:  
"I am stronger than every Goosebump."  
Yes, today, Constanze will show us how she would cope with every last book ever written for--  
Oh, pardon: a selection of them, as there are a lot, and she doesn't have all day. I can't blame her. I tuned out around "Egg Monsters from Mars."  
Please kindly enjoy her offerings, audience. Tip well!

SAY CHEESE AND DIE  
Camera equipped; crossing off names.

THE HAUNTED MASK  
Constanze awakens in the Akko Mask.

WHY I'M AFRAID OF BEES  
"Bees are pointy," Constanze says, trembling.

MONSTER BLOOD II  
Constanze kicks over an ooblek tub.

MY HAIRIEST ADVENTURE  
Now a Pomeranian. Still very angry.

HORROR AT CAMP JELLYJAM  
Tiny German effortlessly outpaces a slug.

A SHOCKER ON SHOCK STREET  
Fraulein astride her mighty robot mantis.

HOW I GOT MY SHRUNKEN HEAD  
Bought it on the deep web.

ATTACK OF THE JACK O'LANTERNS  
Constanze flexin' on some impressed aliens.

I LIVE IN YOUR BASEMENT  
Birthday cake anchors me in time.


	13. Day 13: ANNIHILATION

"Back, bitches!" Akko said, sliding into the teacher's lounge.

"I'm counting one witch out of five back from the Shimmer," Finneran said, unamused.

"Oh, they went for snacks first. Speaking of, what's the combination for the fridge? I'm thirsty eh eff."

"Sam, make sure she's not... I don't know, a replicant?"

"Alright," Badcock said, giving Akko a divination once-over. "Ah, dammit. That's not Akko, it's a hypermatter xenoconstruct."

"Aw, come on. If I were a whatsafudgit, could I do this?" Akko said, turning into a high-frequency bio-antenna conjuring a swarm of Colours Out Of Space to Earth.

"Yes," Finneran said.


	14. Day 14: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

1\. [ ]

"This was a bad idea," Kimberly said.

"You're only saying that 'cause we're lost," Wangari said, dipping her toes in the river. "We have magic, we have brooms. The haunted forest ain't shit."

Kimberly raised her hand.

"Yeah?"

"My wand is losing charge."

"Like... you're not casting anything?"

"No." She shook her wand.

"That's a bummer." Wangari checked her own wand. The meter was yellow. "Oh, that's a bummer alright."

They retraced their steps as best they remembered. By the time they reached the river again, their mana was in the red.

By night, they were empty.

They weren't alone.

2\. < >

"W-wangari?" Joanna said.

The forest gave no response.

"The fire's still burning... stupid, she could see that... I mean... there's plenty of wood here. Sticks, twigs. You didn't have to go looking."

They'd taken the camera for light. The flash worked even as their wands ran dry.

"Please? Be back soon?"

She listened to the dark and hoped.

Lord who Watches for Sleepwalkers, Joanna prayed, lift me up and wake me.

Something moved in the trees; steady, deliberate.

Joanna stood up and stared into the darkness; and the hungry darkness stared back.

Wangari and Joanna returned to an empty camp.

0\. _

  
The Golden Age.

They only call it that because the oldest witches today were children then. The world was simpler because they were simpler. If witches ever had a Golden Age, it was a flicker, a spark, soon dead.

The gulfs of dark are so much more vast; the Golden Age may have been an illusion. Imagined light.

It is as true with a life as it is with the passage of lives. The nothingness swallows up the flicker of being.

I have walked the endless dark, my path marked by old bones.

Listen: the night will take us all.

3\. (∞)

Wangari had the camera; Joanna their wands.

A storm raged, sleet like daggers in their back. Cloaked by lightning and thunder, something gave them chase. They were separated.

Her feet were lacerated, frostbitten; she was hungry, aching, and blind, save for lightning strokes and camera flashes.

She found a house. Cyclopean brick, moldering wood.

The entrance yawned like a waiting maw.

Wangari stared into the emptiness.

She took one last picture. The interior alit; and within were the halls endless and hungry.

At her back, she heard the something's tread.

She walked into the house and never walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad ideas I have done: try to write scary drabbles late at night with one of the scariest horror movies of all time playing in the background.


	15. Day 15: THE TERMINATOR

An enormous Austrian man in the school uniform stepped forward, holding a long metal tube thing Akko didn't know what it was. "I am looking for Hannah England."

Akko pointed at Hannah, who was seated a few tables away.

The Austrian man shouldered his rocket launcher and exploded her.

"Woah, jeez!" Akko said. "Harsh!"

"In two years, she uses the AI Skynet to search for pornography. Her tastes are so vile Skynet created myself and time travel to stop her."

"Oh, okay. Want this battery I found in my sandwich?"

"I do. Thank you."

Akko made a friend for life.


	16. Day 16: THE VVITCH (witch society edit)

In the distant past, Ye Olde Akkoe got lost in the woods and found a hot chick.

"Hello, yon morrow," Sexy Past Diana said, cleavage bursting from her classy peasant dress. "Wouldst thou be the haps for some boobie snuggling?"

"Wouldst I evereth!" Akko said, flinging herself at the hot chick.

Nothing bad happened.

* * *

  
"Oh," Classic Chariot said, "such a pleasant fowl I espy."

She pet the heck out of a devilcrow.

Nothing bad happened.

* * *

  
"Wouldst thou live deliciously?" Nyarlathotep said, slightly off-screen.

"Helleth yea," Amanda said, fistbumping the Voice and Soul of the Outer Gods.

Nothing bad happened.

End.


	17. Day 17: PINOCCHIO AND THE EMPEROR OF THE NIGHT

It's a long story, but Lotte and Sucy swam ashore, escaping the Devil's exploding sailboat.

"Wasn't that scary?" Lotte said.

"If you're, like, four," Sucy said, kicking a burning, once-human puppet.

"But... the Devil! The exploded kids I forgot to save! Those annoying sidekicks!"

"You know what's scary? Your puppet child bride."

Lotte hugged the Most Beautiful Puppet in the World protectively. "She's not _scary_."

"She looks eight, dude."

"It's... it's the art style!"

"Sure it is."

The puppet turned into a gorgeous, buxom 20-year-old woman. "You saved me, Lotte! Let's get married."

"Yes, m'am!" Lotte said.

"Motherfucker," Sucy groaned.


	18. Day 18: AS ABOVE, SO BELOW

"Is this in good taste?" Chariot said, shying away from the wall of skulls.

"Who cares?" Croix said. "The Parisian catacombs are bitchin'. You'll bring the house down and get hella street cred!" She gestured to the emptiness.

"I mean... I'm a little nervous about pissing off Mordiggian."

"Whatever. Let's call the mayor and ask what he thinks." She picked up a nearby ringing payphone attached to a pole attached to nothing. "Mmmyello? ... No, mom, I'm busy! And aren't you dead?"

The payphone and Croix vanished into a vortex, leaving a flaming car behind.

"Maybe we should reschedule," Chariot said.


	19. Day 19: SILENT HILL: DEAD/ALIVE

"Well, to tell the truth," Lotte said to the formless gore monster, "I've always been kinda unsure about my relationship with my da... wait a minute."

The formless gore monster was in fact an Insane Cancer hiding in terrible, terrible artwork.

"Hey, you're not my scheduled metaphor! What gives?"

"Guess what, biznitch?" a badly-drawn, evil Annabel Creme said, appearing thusly. "You're trapped in Silent Hill and the writer doesn't even know the comic is called Silent Hill, that's how canon this shit is."

"Darn it," Lotte said.

"...yeah, it kinda sucks," Annabel said.

Lotte played along, but didn't like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fell behind a few days there 'cause of Charoix Week. Back on this horse now, though! ... A bit at a time!


End file.
